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Home improvement and interior design for busy moms.

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What not to say to someone who is grieving

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A little over eight years ago, my mom died after many years of battling brain cancer. She was 52. I was 26 and just 12 days married. It was the most devastating time of my life and one that I was completely unprepared for, despite knowing the inevitable conclusion of my mom’s condition.

This is a heavy subject, and one that I didn’t plan to write about here – but, I felt compelled to share because just a few days ago, two high school friends of mine lost their mom after a five-year-battle with breast cancer. I was sad, of course, to hear about her passing. But even more, I felt deeply empathetic to my friends because I remembered how intensely I grieved – often in secret – after my own mom’s passing. My heart aches for them and pulls me back to my own grief all these years later and reminded me of a couple things that might be helpful to know when you are reaching out to those who are grieving.

  1. Don’t assume they share your faith: Not everyone believes in heaven, in afterlife, or in other religious teachings. And even if they do, telling a grieving person that their loved one is in a better place is not always consoling and may act to diminish the loss that the person is feeling. Instead, tell them you are sorry for their loss, that you are praying for them (if that is your faith), and that you remember their loved-one fondly and they will be missed.

  2. Never say, “you must have been prepared for this.” This was by and large the worst thing people said to me when my mom died. Yes, she had been battling her cancer for years, and yes, she was in hospice, and yes, we knew the cancer would kill her. But, until that very last breath she took, she was alive and she was my mom. Nothing prepares you for the loss that you feel after that final breath. Grieving can begin when a person is still alive, and the intensity of that grows after the physical life is gone. When you say, “you knew this was coming,” you are taking away the person’s very valid – and deeply vulnerable – feelings and response to death. This remark made me feel like I needed to hide or sidebar my response to my mom’s death. I even recall at her funeral saying things like, “I know we all knew this was going to happen, so…” Screw that. Cancer sucks. Death sucks. And losing my mom sucked, no matter how or when that happened. Encourage people to grieve however they need to.

  3. Don’t try to make them feel better or process their emotions for them, even if it comes from a good place: Validate their feelings. If they feel angry, they are justified in that. If they feel cheated, they are justified in that. If they feel inconsolably sad, offer a hug and let them pour everything out. No matter how they are feeling, it is their right to feel it.

  4. Don’t offer advice unless asked: You are not an expert on their life. Offering unsolicited advice can feel like you’re trying to problem solve for them and move their grieving along. Grief is personal. It can come in waves; it can have huge spikes, or it can be a constant steady stream. Attend to your grieving friend in a way that gives them space no matter what phase of their grief they are in. And if/when they do ask for advice, offer it – but don’t mandate it. Tell them what worked for you based on how you were feeling, but also know that your way isn’t everyone’s way, because your grief isn’t everyone’s grief.

  5. Don’t offer to be there – actually be there: if you are compelled to offer to be there for someone during their times of grief, don’t just say you are there. Actually be there. What I mean is, don’t write it in a card and send it in the mail and think you have been there for them. Check in on them. Reach out and ask how they are, or maybe share a fond memory of their loved one that came to you while you were making dinner. Send them a funny text; join them in laughter and in sadness. Be there. Be actually there for all of it.

  6. Finally, don’t expect a response: If you send flowers, a card, a donation, a message, and you don’t hear back that is OK. It’s better than OK. It’s completely and totally acceptable. Do things because it is kind, because you care, and because you want to share your condolences. In return, know that you have shown the person that they are seen, and that their loved one is as well.

Dealing with death and grief is hard, but at the end of the day, try to step back, think about the person and people affected, and create a space for them to grieve on their terms. And also send brownies. Because, well, baked goods are never wrong.

Birthday Weekend and Home Projects

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This past weekend was jam-packed with birthday celebrations and home projects and I’m grateful to wake up on Monday still feeling tired from all the fun and progress.

Last week Reggie turned 5 and we had a little celebration after school with just us, but on Saturday, my sister and husband joined in on making a five-year-olds COVID birthday the best. It was also my birthday on Saturday, so it was a double celebration, made even better but unusually warm weather that allowed us to actually spend extra time outside in November. It’s typically in the 30s and 40s here this time of year, but for the last several days we’ve hit the 60s and even low 70s!

On Saturday we woke up and got outside right after breakfast, hitting some of the trails behind out house and enjoying the warm air and sunshine. The kids love to run around and collect leaves, which I then find crumpled up in pant pockets or scattered throughout the dryer.

  • Sunny Fall Day
  • Sunny Fall Day
  • Sunny Fall Day
  • Sunny Fall Day

We played outside most of the day and then while the kids were down for nap and quiet time, my sister and I went out for a pedicure and a margarita – I don’t think I’ve ever had Happy Hour outside on my birthday. It was such a treat.

We went back to our house and built a bonfire, grilled some dinner, made martinis, and enjoyed cupcakes before tuning in to watch Biden speak at 8:30. Then Matt and I crashed!

Sunday was a little more of the same. We woke up and got right outside. Since the weather was still so warm, we decided to tackle some of the house projects that we were planning to put off until spring. It was a jump ahead on our project list, but definitely great to take advantage of the warmer temps!

Matt got to work organizing the garage and breaking down boxes while I entertained the kids with bubbles and basketball. About an hour before lunch the kids were starting to bicker, so I loaded Andrea into the jogging stroller and Reggie jumped on his bike and we went for a run/ride along the bike path and down into the village. It was a first since we moved into the new house and reminded me why we moved to this neighborhood!

While Andrea took her nap, Reggie went across the street to play with a neighbor, so I changed from running clothes to my paint clothes. I already painted our front door – from an old 90s teal to a beautiful classic navy. But we have two other exterior doors that were still teal. When painting exteriors you really need the temperatures to be above 50 for at least five hours, so I took advantage of the unseasonable temps to tackle the other two doors.

Painting Clothes

First, I had to wipe the door down with a damp rag. Then, I took a sanding block and did a thorough pass over the surface to be painted. This helps to take down any rough patches, uneven paint strokes, and create a more binding surface.

Then, I primed. I used an exterior door primer that I had tinted blue. This is a little trick for when you’re painting over a bold color. Rather than using white, I prefer to have the store tint the primer to be closer to the color family you’re moving to. In this case, I had my primer tinted to a light blue. This helps to cut down on the number of coats of both primer and paint I’ll need to use. It also helps to keep the color of the top paint more saturated.

Primed Door

After the primer, I did another pass with the sanding brick to make sure the surface was totally smooth. Then, it was time for paint!

Our house is a very light gray, and while I like the neutral color, I often feel like the house could blow away on a windy day. It really needed some finishes that help to ground it. Black felt too harsh against the gray, and I’m a huge fan of the classic and versatile nature of navy blue, so I knew that was the route I was headed.

I’m a bit of a paint snob and tend to almost exclusively use Sherwin Williams paint. It’s pricey, but the quality makes painting so much easier and more impactful. The finishes and colors are beautiful. After contemplating several colors, I went with the color Naval – a classic deep, rich navy blue. It makes the white trim on the house pop and elevate the look of our colonial.

We paired the doors with matte black hardware with a more modern aesthetic, which we continue inside the home with door handles, hardware and entry light fixtures.

I finished painting and changing hardware of the breezeway door, but only managed to get through the priming and sanding on the three-season door out back. I also realized we didn’t grab any white exterior trim paint, and that will need to be touched up on both doors as well. Luckily, the warm weather continues today, so I plan to tackle those things when I have some gaps in my day.

Overall, it was a productive and family-filled weekend!

10 Home Staging Tips for Successful Showings

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I’m no expert at home staging, but I have done my fair share of visiting different properties and staging our own for sale, so I feel like I’ve picked up a thing or two from those experiences along the way. Consider my tips below as a consolidation of things I’ve learned from what-not-to-dos and a couple successful home sales under my belt.

Home Staging - Living Room
  1. Keep it clean: This is an obvious, but probably the most important, step in showing your house. A clean house feels bigger, brighter, and overall more welcoming. It’s also a cheap and easy way to make sure that buyers are seeing your home, not your dust bunnies or water rings.

  2. Style, define, or adapt awkward areas: We’ve all been in that one house with the weird area that screams of wasted space. Whether it’s an unusual corner or a narrow bedroom, it’s important to show how to use the space to add function, design, or storage to the home. Maybe turn it into a surprising gallery wall with art shelves, add a piece of unique corner-friendly furniture, or arrange furniture in a way that helps make the space feel intentional. Serious buyers are always considering how the current floor plan is arranged when they’re thinking about how their own furniture and decor could fit in a space. Turn those awkward spaces into sellable features.

  3. Declutter: I always enjoy seeing homes that are decorated, but not over done. That way they leave some space for the potential buyer to visualize their own belongings. Clutter, like mess, can be a distraction from seeing the potential and charm of a home. When in doubt, less is more. Clear kitchen counters as much as you can. Also, remove any piles or random stuffs that you haven’t found a place for yourself. It will keep buyers from thinking there are storage or organization limitations.


    Home Staging Tips

  4. Don’t neglect closets and cabinets: Just like tip number 3, buyers are likely going to open closet doors, cabinets, and drawers to survey the storage space. Opening a closet or drawer jam packed with stuff or overflowing with clothes indicates that the house is not accommodating. Remove seasonal clothes or overflow that you can neatly store in a tote that can be tucked away (or even thrown into your trunk right before the showing!). Organize cupboards and drawers so that your potential buyers aren’t buried in orphaned Tupperware lids. Keeping the home feeling more open and spacious shouldn’t just be limited to the living spaces.

  5. Remove polarizing items: We all have our own beliefs when it comes to faith, politics, and maybe even sports teams. Home buying is a deeply personal and emotional experience. Don’t risk turning off potential buyers with political yard signs or other polarizing items.

  6. De-personalize: I once went to a house showing and the owners Squatty Potty was front and center in the master bathroom. While I myself am a believer in a more efficient BM, it’s not exactly the image you want when envisioning living in a space. Dirty bars of soap, toothbrushes, open baskets of dirty laundry – they just don’t set the right tone. Beyond that, also consider packing up photos. They tend to draw interest and add visual clutter. Not to mention, I prefer more anonymity when welcoming strangers into my home.

  7. Consider all the senses: Another anecdote for you – I recently went to a home that checked almost all of the boxes on our home list. I had high hopes, but upon entering the home I was hit with a horrible smell that ruined the home for me. The strength of the stench grew with each step into the home and I ended up leaving the house smelling like rotten ramen. Be sure to clean upholstery if you have pets, even if you don’t smell them. Run the self-clean on the oven, open windows, clean kitchen vents – do what you can to eliminate any sources of strong smells. We are all nose-blind, so plan accordingly.

  8. Be welcoming: An empty and clean shoe tray at the entrance, a fresh bottle of hand sanitizer (thanks, COVID!), a vase of fresh flowers – these all say “Welcome to our Home.” If you know anything about your potential buyers you can even use that to your advantage. I recently had a nearby college professional come to our home so I put my son’s stuffed mascot on the bed with some of his other snugglies. I later heard from their realtor that they found the touch thoughtful.

  9. Consider your curb appeal: First impressions are probably more important in real estate than in relationships. Again, you want to establish an emotional connection to your home. Pull weeds, cut out any dead flowers or growth, keep windows and screens clean, wipe down the front door, and sweep the porch. Throw a nice pot with a plant or colorful flowers by the front door. The showing starts from the curb.

  10. Show-off: Have a feature wall that sets you apart? A view from the master? Maybe your kitchen is a showpiece. Highlight those features with enhanced lighting, floor arrangements, or even coordinate showing times to accommodate great afternoon lighting. It’s time to showcase the best parts of your home!

Buying and selling a home is an incredibly personal and emotional thing. I hope you find some of these tips help to ease the process!

You can’t make this sh*t up

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Hello, and happy Sunday!

We just returned from a weeklong stay at a nearby lake house with some friends, and talk about a much-needed refresh! No cell or Internet service, remote lake, and plenty of laughs were exactly what our family needed.

Just three days before we left for vacation we learned that the buyers of our home backed out of the deal due to issues with financing. This meant that closing on our new house was also in jeopardy. Within an hour, our townhouse was re-listed, and within two hours we had requests for showings. Meanwhile, our place was scattered with boxes and 80% of our belongings had already been moved into a storage unit.

I was sick from the stress and devastated that it all could come crashing down at any minute, especially since we are so financially – and emotionally – invested in the home at this point. Reggie even made a paper chain that he hung in his room. He was removing a link each day as a countdown to our new house.

I took Thursday off from work and spent the entire day cleaning, organizing, and staging the best I could. Luckily, we still have our plants here, so those brought some color, warmth, and life into the space. I also moved a few mirrors around to brighten things up, and spent the rest of my energy on making sure the house was clean and orderly. (I plan to do a longer post on how to stage your home for a successful showing very soon!)

Then came the real work – vacating the house solo with two kids and two dogs. I happened to have agreed to watch my sister’s dog, Kallie, while she went out of town before all of this went down. My hands were full.

I took the car-full to a nearby park. I looked like that scene from the Beverley Hillbillies, cruising down the road with a car stuffed to the brim with animals, people, and boxes of random stuff. The only thing missing was the granny on the roof.

Anyway, I figured they could run around while we waited for the showings to finish, but naturally the shit (literally) hit the fan. Benson, our dog, apparently had to go number two. While I was trying to clean up that mess, Andrea ran off and filled her diaper while Kallie ran in the opposite direction and figured it was a good time for her to poop too. To make matters worse, it began pouring rain. Needless to say, it was a total shit show. Once I managed to wrangle everyone and get them (and their poop) cleaned up and back in the car I was in tears. The weight of the week hit me and I called Matt exhausted and hysterically crying.

I went to bed that night feeling hopeless only to wake up the next morning – 24 hours before we were to leave for vacation – with a text from a fellow parent that there was a positive COVID-19 case at the kids’ daycare. An email from the school confirmed this, and we had to notify our friends that we may have to bail on our lake house vacation if the health department deemed our kids at risk from close contact.

Minutes later, I was notified that one of the showings was interested and wanted to see our place again that morning. So, back into the car we went. I fed my kids Dunkin Donuts in a gas station parking lot and prayed that something would go right.

Hours later, we accepted an offer on our house! And just moments later, we received word that neither of our kids were exposed to the person who tested positive. It was 72 hours of complete whiplash. Our trip was back on. Our closing only had to get pushed a week. And best of all, our kids were healthy.

Weekend Recap: ordering flooring and more packing

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Hello, and happy Monday! Our week is off to a promising start – I was able to usher Matt and the kids out the door by 7:20 this morning. It’s a quiet coffee morning for me, which is much needed after the busy weekend we had.

It started off a discouraging note. We found out last week that the hardwood floors we bought for our new home are backordered until October. It seems everyone is pouring their vacation money into their homes this year so everything from flooring, to furniture and appliances are hard to get.

So, back to the flooring store we went. I’ll admit I was pretty bummed about the shipping delay; I just loved the floors we originally purchased. But, if there’s anything 2020 has taught us it’s that we need to learn to pivot and go with the flow. Yes, I just compared a global pandemic to my home renovations. Let me live.

We ended up finding another option that, while a bit lighter than I originally wanted, will be perfect for the new home, come ahead of schedule, AND save us $1,500. Morale of the story: the universe has my back. Flooring: Check.

The rest of the weekend was essentially sponsored by packing tape. How is it even possible that we STILL have stuff to put into boxes? Luckily, I was able to discreetly pack about half of the kids’ toys and stuffed animals and get those boxes to the storage unit. Ninja mode over here. Let’s see if we can get through the next couple weeks without Reggie asking for his Iron Man or stuffed Easter bunny…

Despite the packing, we were still able to get out for a socially distanced cocktail gathering with some of our neighbors since it was one of the last weekends we’d all be around before the big move. We even managed some bike rides and basketball. And I took advantage of Andrea’s nap time on Sunday to carve out a 45-minute pilates workout on the back deck. Overall, it was a productive weekend.

Here’s to a productive week ahead!

How was your weekend?